Certainty Envy

Of all the emotions that have flooded me in the last few months, and believe me there have been many, the loss of my sense of certainty has caused me the most grief. The ability to plan one's future isn't a promise for anyone, but I can almost bet that 100% of my non-military wife friends have a pretty damn good idea of where they will be living in 3 years and have the luxury of planning around this. Yes, life throws curveballs, lots of them. Some of them are of little to no consequence and some of them hit you head on and leave quite a mark. Me? I am an Army wife, in it for the long haul it seems. For better or worse I married a "Soldier's Soldier". I knew full well what I was in for so spare me the obligatory "you knew better" speech-(it's my blog and I can gripe if I want to). The further into this life I get the more I realize how "ying and yang" my personality is with the Army's plans for us can be. I know I can't have it both ways - my Husband and the Army are like Oreo cookies and milk-you can't have one without the other- I can't have the man my Husband is without the Army. In a demented way I love the Army and how it has shaped my Husband. He is strong, yes-"Army Strong". He is wise, in ways only a Soldier can be. He loves me in ways only a combat veteran can love their Wife. Without the Army he would still have his wit and his sense of humor, but the qualities that make him a man also mean I have zero guarantees on how long this man belongs to me and how long he belongs his Army. I like road maps, I like the directions with my Ikea furniture, I use patterns when I sew and I couldn't watch "Lost" because quite frankly it made me feel lost dammit. So here is my "ying" - I know with all certainty I have healthcare and housing. And from there the rest of my life is the "yang" and the uncertainties begin. If you are a "mil-spouse" you do not need them listed out, you don't know where home will be in 3 years, you don't know if he will be home for the Holidays, you don't know if he will be home for birthdays. Let me stop here and clarify just a bit on what bothers me specifically about uncertainty-- it's not the actual missed birthdays, the actual missed holidays or the act of moving-- it's the not knowing which holidays he will miss, when or where you will be moving. I know we are going to move, I know eventually he won't be home for our daughter's birthday. But if someone could just tell me when this was all going to happen I would feel a helluvalot better. Right now I am suffering from "uncertainty-itis". My calendar needs to be filled with specifics and all I have is "maybes" and "tenatives", my pencil erasers are down to nubs and the white out is all chalky. I suppose I could use this as a metaphor for all of life's toughies and take it with a grain of salt. Right now I just have "certainty envy".