Attitude Adjustment Needed

The last few weeks have been rocky. Blogger block has really set in too, so I haven't had an outlet to vent my silly frustrations and that has definitely made matters worse. It's all ended up dumped on my mostly innocent family. (mostly is the key word there) Epic, I mean EPIC fail on my part-I have been ugly on the inside and out. My issues really are just about as pathetic as it gets, I admit it-there are many worse things that could happen to me. What it really boils down to is the sheer quantity of hits I have been taking not necessarily the quality. So here goes a monster rant -get ready it's a doozy. I'm working entirely too much, I never see my kids and my husband. Last week I worked 4 shifts from 1900-0730. When I am home I am so dropped dead tired from being up all night I usually fall asleep still in scrubs at the kitchen table in a failed attempt to catch up with my kids. I have gained a whopping 15lbs since I arrived in Hawaii and I can't even stay awake long enough to think about working out. Don't even get me started on the sad state of affairs my household is in. There really is a couch under all that laundry, I swear. The Army has failed to pay us correctly in 3 months now, in fact our paycheck on Friday will be all of $26.00. Our once healthy savings account is now looking Ethiopian. I need my eyebrows done, I need a hair cut, I need a pedicure-- I need some sanity. And here is what is really messing with my head--we have friends who happen to live across the street from us. They arrived in Hawaii a week before us, she is active duty and he is an RN. They have a daughter who is close in age to our son's age. Nice people. They seem happy as puppies here. God bless them-they are loving life in Hawaii. Every time we see them it's like life just gets better and better for them. WTF? WTF? Seriously, what's the deal people? What am I missing here? It's not that I am jealous, really. I have always maintained the theory it's much better to have happy successful friends than friends that are well, losers. So I am truly happy that they are happy. I am developing a serious complex here though-what the hell is wrong with me that I just can't pull myself up outta this funk and enjoy what I DO have? They seem to be doing this quite easily. I am sure that these dear people have bad days too-- so why am I harping on the negative and not thriving on the positive? Why am I letting life beat me down while these guys are managing to live in the moment? I have lost my perpetual ability to look at the bright side and it sucks. I need a serious attitude adjustment.


My Baby Daddy

Happy Father's Day to my best friend. Love you Poones.



The break-neck pace of our hectic life is really catching up with me. I am working two jobs now, not sure why I thought a second hospital would somehow curb my current hatred for my career-but let's just say if I work the hours I kinda think you should pay me. The LT is working some serious hours too. By the way- did anyone know that the word "Lieutenant" actually translates to "over worked under paid go to guy for every little detail no one else in the unit wants to take care of"? The kiddos are demanding as ever. Breaking point was 2 AM this morning when the LT stepped in doggie poo and it wasn't in a solid state. Early morning visit to the vet, where after a very nice Vet took very good care of my poor 15 year old dog I spent the money the new hospital forgot to pay me. This is the first weekend in many weekends that we do not have an early morning sporting event planned-we do however have a date with Elmo. We are taking the small spoiled one to see Sesame Street Live-- what are the chances they will serve cocktails at the show? And let's just conclude this rant with this thought-Hawaii is only paradise when you are here on vacation. My idea of paradise does not include two full time jobs, wrestling/football practices everyday and a two year old who is strongly resistant to the idea of bedtime. I do have Mai Tai mix in the fridge-there is a pity party brewing, everyone is welcome.


Future Laker Girl

Go Lakers!! Beat Boston!


True Story in a Run-On Sentence

To make the story short lets just say I really don't want to discuss why Hawaii makes it's citizens carry a permit for concealed weapons while I am at the playground with my 2 year old and no, it does not bother me that my daughter doesn't know how to use a gun and finally, strange lady at the park that I have never seen in my life can you please wipe the white liquid from the corner of your mouth before you try to "educate" me on why liberalism is killing our country.
True story-I can't make this stuff up.


Flash Back Friday

In honor of my baby girl who turned two this week.

Our first photo together. June 8th, 2008
She is about 10 minutes old here and I was already in love.

Flash forward...

She is two now-- all grown up. She can count to 25, say her ABC's, sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and do a forward roll. She likes to twirl. She is Elmo's biggest fan. She loves her brother. She has stolen everyone's heart and it all started with our first photo together.


Choke Hold

The air is thick around here. The deployment cloud is looming. The sadness, the impending loneliness, the endless worry--it's all like humidity in the air. It sticks to you, it makes it hard to breathe. It has a choke hold on this whole damn base and for that matter the whole damn Army. So what if it's not my husband this year, inevitably it will be his year. Inevitably it will be my tears, my loneliness and my worry. It's all the same these days--this year, next year, Army, Navy, Marine, Air Force- we're all in this mess together. The War has a choke hold on all of us. The collective sigh of these war weary veterans is growing heavier. You can't avoid it when you live it. Everyday is one day closer to him leaving (again), like we are just funneling our days through the deployment hourglass. The minute he returns home it's just like someone flipped the hourglass back over and we start the countdown to him leaving all over again. Block leave is in full swing here for these pre-deployment troops. They're all trying to soak it in, savor every last second. They sip their beers a little slower. They look a little longer into their wife's eyes. They sink a little lower into the soft spot in the couch. They're just trying to be the best husband, father and friend they can be while they can be. The pre-deployment gun is to their head and they're all just waiting for the Army to pull the trigger.


Long Post Sunday...

Well I have much to cover, so let's dive right in.......
First of all I would like to thank Ines at The Few, The Proud, The Wife for giving me "The Versatile Blogger Award"...THANK YOU!!!

The rules of this award are:

Thank the person who gave you the award
Share seven (7) things about you
Nominate Seven newly discovered blogs that you think are fantastic
Let your nominees know about the award

Seven things about me:
1. I love the Lakers and the Dodgers-- I am a die hard Los Angeles sports fan.
2. I have thirteen tattoos.
3. I am adopted.
4. I went to art school- I'm a respiratory therapist now, so I guess I wasn't that good.
5. My hair went completely grey when I was 19. I now dye my hair jet black, I couldn't even begin to tell you what my real hair color was before I went grey. I have had blue, pink, red, orange and white hair-- sometimes all at the same time, sometimes not.
6. I am addicted to coffee. I drink 4-5 cups a day.
7. My dream vacation is to visit every primarily Buddhist country worldwide. And then add in Bali just for fun.I love anything and everything about Asian cultures and I soak it up.

And know I am passing this award along to:
1. Emily @ Scatterbrain Wife of a Soldier
2. Sarah @ GI Joe's Wife
3. Musings of an Army Wife
4. Stetsons,Spurs and Stilettos
5. In the Military and on the Move
6. Allie @ My Marine and Me
7. Marissa @ Living the Life of an InfantryMan's Wife

So now that is out of the way, I have to share our fab weekend. Living in Hawaii we are very lucky that friends and family always want to visit here. Since we have been here we have had at least one friend or family here every month. This weekend my son's football coach from the mainland was here on business. Luckily we to spend one evening with him and his family. My son was ecstatic to visit with him. We also had a great night out on Friday and a winning Saturday at my son's wrestling meet. The weather was gorgeous. Now, if the Lakers win our house will be in heaven!


Love of my Life

This is what makes it all okay. Dinner and drinks last night with actual "grown ups". Watching my husband laugh from a distance, beer in hand-looking so handsome and relaxed. I know he loves the place we are in, I know he feels accomplished, in his own element. This is what makes whatever happens okay.


Certainty Envy

Of all the emotions that have flooded me in the last few months, and believe me there have been many, the loss of my sense of certainty has caused me the most grief. The ability to plan one's future isn't a promise for anyone, but I can almost bet that 100% of my non-military wife friends have a pretty damn good idea of where they will be living in 3 years and have the luxury of planning around this. Yes, life throws curveballs, lots of them. Some of them are of little to no consequence and some of them hit you head on and leave quite a mark. Me? I am an Army wife, in it for the long haul it seems. For better or worse I married a "Soldier's Soldier". I knew full well what I was in for so spare me the obligatory "you knew better" speech-(it's my blog and I can gripe if I want to). The further into this life I get the more I realize how "ying and yang" my personality is with the Army's plans for us can be. I know I can't have it both ways - my Husband and the Army are like Oreo cookies and milk-you can't have one without the other- I can't have the man my Husband is without the Army. In a demented way I love the Army and how it has shaped my Husband. He is strong, yes-"Army Strong". He is wise, in ways only a Soldier can be. He loves me in ways only a combat veteran can love their Wife. Without the Army he would still have his wit and his sense of humor, but the qualities that make him a man also mean I have zero guarantees on how long this man belongs to me and how long he belongs his Army. I like road maps, I like the directions with my Ikea furniture, I use patterns when I sew and I couldn't watch "Lost" because quite frankly it made me feel lost dammit. So here is my "ying" - I know with all certainty I have healthcare and housing. And from there the rest of my life is the "yang" and the uncertainties begin. If you are a "mil-spouse" you do not need them listed out, you don't know where home will be in 3 years, you don't know if he will be home for the Holidays, you don't know if he will be home for birthdays. Let me stop here and clarify just a bit on what bothers me specifically about uncertainty-- it's not the actual missed birthdays, the actual missed holidays or the act of moving-- it's the not knowing which holidays he will miss, when or where you will be moving. I know we are going to move, I know eventually he won't be home for our daughter's birthday. But if someone could just tell me when this was all going to happen I would feel a helluvalot better. Right now I am suffering from "uncertainty-itis". My calendar needs to be filled with specifics and all I have is "maybes" and "tenatives", my pencil erasers are down to nubs and the white out is all chalky. I suppose I could use this as a metaphor for all of life's toughies and take it with a grain of salt. Right now I just have "certainty envy".


The Deep Blue Revenge

Poseidon almost killed us all yesterday. We went up to North Shore, hiked about 20 minutes to the perfect spot -sweaty and exhausted, we dropped our gear and jumped into the waves of death. How big does a warning sign actually have to be for a moderately intelligent group of people to notice it? Surprisingly larger than the 10-15 signs with red flags on them already posted it seems. I took one turn in the waves and got tossed like a caesar salad, I spent the rest of the day working on my sunburn. The kids-ergh, I mean the kids and their Dad's decided to sit on the shore and let the waves destroy them. It was great to watch. They had a lot of fun letting the ocean take its revenge, I'm guessing it is mad about the whole oil spill thing and I kinda can't blame it.

Thank goodness for a long range lens. I had sand embedded in my scalp from my one wipe out. I am sure the kids are still picking sand out of their delicates.

And this is how I prefer to enjoy the North Shore-